Monday!

img_8728No one ever sees me on a Monday. It’s really easy not to notice that you never see or speak to a certain person on any given regular day. No one sees me on a Thursday either. I’m not sure this is unusual.

Work people often never see each other on Sundays and church friends often never see each other mid week. It’s part of the ebb and flow of lives and routines … but most people see someone, most days of their lives.

Unless you’re on rest and Mondays and Thursdays at a minimum you spend in bed. Most people I know forget this. They forget that I write, blog, YouTube, from bed, that my editing and uploading is ALL done from bed. That even when I’m bad and sneak a day up, I’m home and in bed again by 4 or 5 pm. I eat dinner almost every night in bed.

So as humans, we forget, and we slot people into our own filters and templates…. and we scold people like me for making out we are sick when in fact we are SOOOO busy! Yes I’m busy! I’m also constantly exhausted, often desperately lonely, and all those things that I do, they require the effort of an army, the patience of a saint, and a purposeful summoning of all my resources!

So why do I do it? What’s the alternative? Do nothing! Do what I did yesterday from 2pm till midnight and do nothing but curl up in bed and watch mindless rubbish on Netflix and wallow?

There is no middle ground! There is no such thing as a “normal” day. I went out for a few hours on Saturday and again on Sunday. I loved on other people and connected with the world.

And I was bullied, and ignored, and pitied … not by everyone, but by some people, the kind of people who are self absorbed and do that to everyone. But I’m a target and usually one that can’t get away… and I lack the resources to fend them like you can.

I’m trying my butt off to make something of my life, to encourage, to make a difference, to be positive … and more often than not it confuses people!

I’m sore, always, and right now I have a huge mouth ulcer which means it even hurts to talk. I feel behind and overwhelmed by everything I want or need to do, and I HATE achieving nothing! I hate that if I walk for an hour on the walking machine my legs will hurt less in the night tonight but the energy needed will likely cost me a day of healing for my mouth. I hate that I can’t do both, that there aren’t enough spoons to go around and that I can’t boost my soul, my energy, my mood or my body by going for a real walk or a run or something other people can do.

I hate that if I can’t muster the energy to write, or edit, or achieve something else today, then I’ll feel even worse and even more behind! But if I do then the world will assume I’m “up and busy”!

But because I’m so low and my immune system is on its reserves, I have to be even more careful than usual… and anything I do with my day today could be costly!

So just a wee reminder: every day I climb a mountain. Most days it’s worth it, far too many it isn’t, and it costs me more than I have to give. Every day is painful… extremely painful physically and often emotionally! So to the lady yesterday who responded to someone else who was questioning me by interrupting with “you’re in pain, you can just say it you know, you don’t have to be brave!” THANK YOU!! And to the people who bullied me, thanks a lot! And to the people who judged me for being so busy and not getting enough rest …. well, what did our grandmothers say about “if you can’t say anything nice ….?” So I’ll leave it at that…

It’s Monday. I haven’t left bed since 2pm Sunday and I probably won’t get out until Wednesday at this rate… But I sure hope to be productive one way or another!!! Even if that looks “busy” to the world! See you on YouTube!

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To book a talk with me and discuss my schedule you can contact me on JPeaSmith@KingsRoadChronicles.com

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Cross Roads!

img_9244-1It’s been too long. I had no idea how long in fact, that I’ve been away from this beloved blog, this voice that helps me get through so much of my life, and I apologize for my absence. Thanks to all of you who have stayed and not unfollowed in the meantime. It has been about 6 weeks, and I feel like I have been on a massive journey that I am still on in many ways. But I see some light at the end of the tunnel (and pray it isn’t a train!). I don’t want this to be too long and boring, so I’ll keep it short then hopefully go into more detail as and when needed, over the next few months.

  1. I’ve been away. It is winter here in the southern hemisphere, so we are all hunched down in front of fire places and heaters rather than galavanting around the countryside, but July is also one of three birthday chunks in our family, and a big meeting time for my other half. So I have only spent 6 nights in my own bed since the middle of June but I have been far and wide, caught up with special people, and celebrated birthdays in London, Oxfordshire, Perth (Australia) and Gosford (also in Australia). So it’s been hotels, couches, and 7 different beds… no wonder I am behind on so many things!
  2. I’ve pushed myself a bit hard and so my pain levels have been a little worse than usual, although winter is usually worse than summer anyway. So I have been very sore and wallowing a little …
  3. I’ve been reevaluating my writing and my online presence and while I’m not quite there yet, I am making some progress with finding a space that is less taxing but more permanent. I am reminded how much I love writing and blogging and I must be careful not to lose this …
  4. I’ve seen a new specialist and have a new diagnosis on top of the old one. Fibromyalgia seems to be part of the problem, and while I’m not 100% convinced yet, I suspect that I am in denial and don’t want another diagnosis.
  5. I turned fifty! It hasn’t really changed anything but I have felt loved and I think for anyone, the half way mark is a time of reflection and re-evaluation so here I am!
  6. I think I’m stressed because I am behind on almost everything, including newsletters and writing, so hopefully August is going to be a time of refreshing and catch up!
  7. I have given in to pressure and am about to start my own Youtube channel, which will mean back into the Facebook Live events as well …

Thanks as always and I look forward to unpacking those a little over the next few weeks ๐Ÿ™‚